


i'm on my way (home sweet home)

by montecarlos



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Canon Compliant, Deleted Scenes, Feelings Realization, M/M, Pining, Reunion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-26
Updated: 2018-02-26
Packaged: 2019-03-24 10:44:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,789
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13809546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/montecarlos/pseuds/montecarlos
Summary: After Robert walks away from the garage, Aaron decides to write down everything he wants to tell the man he's still in love with and why they should be together.





	i'm on my way (home sweet home)

**Author's Note:**

> Another deleted scene fic of sorts. This is based on the tweet that the paper that Danny was holding in the reunion scene was not a script, but was a prop in its own right. I really loved the idea that Aaron - someone who is so impulsive at times - could take the time to write down the reasons he loved Robert. Title is from the Motley Crue ft Chester Bennington version of Home Sweet Home which I listened to as I wrote this fic. 
> 
> Enjoy :)

_take me to your heart_  
_feel me in your bones_  
_just one more night_  
_and I’m comin’ off this long and winding road_

* * *

  
“No,” Robert’s voice almost pleads as Aaron leans in.  
  
“I can’t,” It _cracks_ and at the same time, Aaron can feel his own heart shatter. He’s bared everything to Robert and it’s still _not enough_.  
  
“I’m sorry, I want to, Aaron but I can’t-” He feels Robert wrench his hand away and the shattered pieces of his heart seem to dig into his ribcage, pain radiating through his body at the rejection. He misses Robert’s touch, misses the heat, the electricity that seemed to flow over his skin whenever the warm fingers brushed against his own.  
  
“At least tell me why,” He murmurs thickly, tears tugging on the corners of his eyes, threatening to fall. He didn’t expect this to happen, to be standing opposite the man he loved with tears in his eyes, with fragments of their hearts on the floor. But Robert just stares at him with glassy eyes, fighting every fibre in his body that screams Aaron’s name.  
  
“You left me,”  
  
Aaron bites back a sob at Robert’s words. They sting, burn more than Robert surely intended for them to. “I lost my husband, I lost my best friend and I lost my home and it’s too much-” Robert sobs, the facade around him slowly crumbling away.  
  
“I know and I’m sorry,” Aaron whimpers, feeling the jagged hurt twist inside his chest.  
  
“Aaron. You’ve nothing to be sorry for,” Robert’s face softens. “It’s me. I’m the disaster and you’re all better now. You’re strong and you t-think you want me but-” A harsh ragged breath pushes through the words. “You’ll figure it out. You’ll realise I’m still this terrible person and you’ll go-”  
  
Aaron looks down at the ground as tears flow down his cheeks. He’s suddenly aware of a warm hand brushing against his cheek and finds himself looking up into the tear-filled blue-green eyes of the man he loved, _still loves_ , even after everything they’ve been through. Robert takes a shaky breath. “I think I’d rather never have you back than lose you again,”  
  
The words are like a knife through Aaron’s heart. He bites back a sob as Robert pulls his hand away. He looks at Aaron for a moment, at the man he loves, the man he chose to let go, and turns on his heel. The garage door thuds gently behind him and Aaron allows the tears to fall, allows his heart to break once more.  
  
He slides down to the dusty floor as the hurt overcomes him, mourning something that was never meant to be.

* * *

  
Aaron isn’t sure how long he lies on the floor for, legs pulled up against his chest to pacify the sobs that rip through his body. He thinks only of Robert, of blue-green eyes, of the tears that glittered in the corners of them, threatening to fall - the same tears that he saw when Robert told him about Rebecca, as their world exploded into fragments. Another hurt-filled sob rips through his chest at the thought of losing Robert forever, of Robert’s last touch brushing against his cheek. This can’t be the end. It just can’t be the end for them. Robert has to know how Aaron truly feels, that he wants to be with him, that he chose _him_. But he can’t think of what to say. The thoughts swirl around in his head, muggy and confused.  
  
He decides to write everything down, every single reason that he loves Robert, every single part of their lives entwined. He digs around in Cain’s drawers and finds a pen and the book that is used to record the invoices. It will have to do. The tears begin to dry on his cheeks as he begins to write.  
  
_Robert Sugden_  
  
Just the sight of his name on the page makes Aaron ache.

* * *

 _  
__Smug_ is the first word he writes on the paper. He remembers the Robert of old, the Robert that used to be married to Chrissie with his expensive suits and his expensive car - the man who ruled the roost at Home Farm, sitting in the pub with a smirk on his face that said _I’m better than you_. But Aaron had seen through that facade as they’d lay together, tangled up in the hay. No Hugo Boss suits, no mention of money and of status, just _them._ He’d seen deep down inside Robert that night. He’d seen that the smugness was just a smokescreen to hide the insecurity and the thread of Robert’s old life that he wanted to bury.  
  
_Arrogant dick_ soon joins the jumble of Aaron’s chicken scratch handwriting on the paper. Robert has always been that way to people on the outside, always seemed like he knows everything, like he’s got everything sorted out. But it wasn’t until Aaron began to tug those walls down that Robert had constructed years ago that he realised that the arrogance was an armour of sorts. He remembers seeing it melt away when Chrissie throws him out, when he comes to Aaron holding his heart out in shaking outstretched fingers.  
  
Aaron shakes his head as he looks down at the words. Listing Robert’s negative qualities isn’t going to help him - or Robert for that matter, figure things out. He’s about to cross them out when his pen stills. They’re undesirable qualities, but they’re still part of what make Robert _Robert_. They’re still part of the man he fell in love with in the barn that night, of the man he still loves despite everything.  
  
_Bad taste in music_. He tries another approach - this time, more humorous - thinking of all the mornings in the Woolpack that he’d climb down the stairs and hear Robert singing badly to Taylor Swift or some other chart topping nonsense as he fried the bacon and eggs. He remembers the smile that brushed across his lips as he moved closer, his chin tucking against the crook of Robert’s shoulder, taking in the scent of the older man - lingering touches of aftershave from yesterday, the slight hint of sweat. Robert had turned slightly to smile at him, it’s soft, it’s warm, it’s _home._  
  
_Awful dancer._ Aaron thinks about how happy Robert had looked tonight, the carefree smile on his face was one that Aaron had seen for months. He looked _free_ as he danced alongside Vanessa and Vic, his body twisting to the beat of the music. Aaron had watched from the darkness, hand around the pint that Alex had bought him - Alex. The man who he thought could stop him wanting Robert. But everytime Alex’s lips brushed his own, he thought of messy blonde hair and blue-green eyes. He didn’t want to break up with Alex in such a way but the sight of Robert smiling at another man, handing over his number so easily - Aaron realised he didn’t want to lose Robert, he wasn’t ready to give up on his love. So he’d ended it. Alex’s hurt face had soon disappeared from his thoughts at the sight of Robert’s body shifting on the dancefloor.  
  
Aaron sighs. This isn’t working. He’s supposed to be persuading Robert that he wants him. He taps his pen against the paper slowly, thoughts twisting through his mind. He has to show Robert all the good things that he’s done, the things to prove that Robert is enough for him. He immediately begins scribbling, the page filling with his messy handwriting.  
  
_Gordon._  
  
Writing that man’s name still hurts Aaron - but it doesn’t cut him as deep as it used to. Gordon is no longer in his life. He’s gone for good, no longer able to control Aaron, to hurt him, to pretend that he didn’t take his trust and betray it in the worst possible way. Robert was the first person he’d told about the abuse, he’d sat silently and listened to Aaron, the words and hurt all flowing from him. He’d felt instantly better afterwards, lighter. Robert couldn’t erase what Gordon had done completely - but he allowed Aaron to let everything out that he’d bottled up for years, allowed all the hatred to flow free. Aaron remembers Robert holding him close, tears soaking into his expensive shirt. His hands fisted into the material as he sobbed out all the anger and pain of what had happened. Robert said nothing in those moments, his hand stroking Aaron’s back gently. Aaron allowed himself to fall for those few brief seconds, safe in the knowledge that Robert was there.  
  
Robert was there throughout the entire court process. He believed Aaron. He’d held Aaron late at night when the case had adjoined, his hands still gently stroking over the younger man’s back as Aaron shook from the nightmares, from the hurt still deep inside him.  
  
“I’ve got you,” Robert whispered softly, his nose burying into Aaron’s damp curls.  
  
And Aaron believed him.

* * *

  
_Liv_ is the next word he scribbles down. The situation with Gordon wasn’t all negative after all. Robert managed to track down Sandra, and with her - Liv. Liv - his little sister, the apple of his eye, the one person who saw through his moody teenager facade, who held her arms out for a hug and a kiss when she was little. She’d changed in the time they spent apart. Gone was the slightly chubby child with blonde pigtails and rosy cheeks, and in her place was a teenager, hardened by her experiences with the same steel blue eyes as Aaron and the same stormcloud of thoughts swirling around her. Aaron remembers seeing parts of himself in his little sister - the way she pushed people away, the way that she looked at him, almost wanting for the moment he was going to give up on her.  
  
But he didn’t, and neither did Robert, despite everything she put him through. She had been hard on him in particular, unwilling to accept his support. She’d reported him to the police, tried to push him away. But he’d held firm and gained her respect. Aaron remembers walking in on them late one night, both sitting at the kitchen table. A pair of empty mugs are plonked on the top amongst the numerous worksheets and algebra textbooks. Liv is smiling softly at Robert as they share a joke. Robert smiles back before he catches Aaron’s eye.  
  
Aaron feels his own smile brush over his lips. He’s sure Liv will grow to love Robert as much as he does - and he’s right. They spend evenings at the kitchen table working on Liv’s homework. Robert carries her upstairs to the box room of the Woolpack when she falls asleep watching Top Gear. He watches Robert gently tuck her in amongst her blankets and duvets, a small smile playing at his lips.  
  
This is what family feels like.  


* * *

  
_Saved my life_ joins the scramble of letters. Aaron remembers that day, remembers Robert holding out the ring box with frustration painted across his features. He remembers Robert’s face twisting in worry as he calls out Aaron’s name, as their car slides through the wooden fence like butter and they plunge into the icy depths of the lake. He’d felt pain blossom against the side of his head as he’d hit the window and then nothing but darkness. He wakes up to the sound of rushing water and Robert’s frightened pleas. He stiffens in his seat, the cool water sloshing against him, panic seizing his chest as he realises he’s trapped.  
  
“Just go,” He’d told Robert. But Robert didn’t listen, ignored Aaron’s whispers to forget him, to save himself. Aaron still doesn’t remember what happened after that, after he went under the water. He woke up in a hospital bed with Robert, Liv and his mum by his side, tears running down their cheeks. He didn’t remember what happened in the car, but he remembered the important question that Robert had asked, the one that needed an answer.  
  
“Yeah,” He whispers with a smile on his face and Robert slides the ring onto his finger. The feeling of home floods his chest for a moment as he stares up at Robert before darkness overtakes him once more.  


* * *

  
_Our wedding. Marrying you._ Aaron smiles as he writes the words before his gaze flickers over to his bare finger. He’s not worn it for months, not since he’d handed it back to a tearful Robert. But he still misses it, still misses waking up without Robert, the way Robert smiled at him when nobody was looking. He never expected to be married, certainly not to _Robert_ \- but it seemed right. Aaron remembers walking into the pub in his suit, hand in hand with the man who would be his husband in the next few hours, the man who hid who he was for so long - now out and proud - and the smile had stretched across his face. The wedding that Robert planned didn’t go to plan (Aaron never expected it to - not with his mental family). But they found themselves in the garage, the garage that he was standing in right now, the garage where it all began and nothing else mattered. The ring that Robert slid onto his finger with shaking hands felt like it was supposed to be there.  
  
“You know,”  
  
“I know,”  
  
But the ring came off the next day under the sterile prison lights - Aaron just wanted to protect Robert, his husband, and protect himself. But prison is hard, harder than he expected and he misses Robert and Liv. He spends his nights staring down at the photos he’s taken with him, tears cascading down his face as he digs his nose into the scratchy prison jumper. The scent of Robert’s shower gel tickles at his nostrils and he feels the sob build inside his chest. He misses Robert, misses the warm hands looping around his waist. The spice takes the edge off his feelings but it makes him numb. It makes him a stranger to Robert. Robert - the man who was looking after Liv for him, taking her in like a little sister, the man who was building them a new home, the man who was working on securing an early release for him.  
  
Aaron stares down at the words, tears in his eyes. _You built me a home. Got me out of prison early. Never gave up on me. Told me about the truth about Rebecca._  
  
The last word stings - even now. He remembers the day that Robert told him the truth like it was yesterday. He remembers looking into Robert’s hurt eyes, remembers the regret written all over his face as tells Aaron what happened, that she’s pregnant with his baby. And he thought he could get over it, that he could pretend it wasn’t happening - but her stomach slowly begins to swell with her child, with _Robert’s_ child and he can’t do it anymore.  
  
They fall apart at the seams and although Aaron pretends it doesn’t hurt, it does. It hurts watching Robert with his newborn son, with Seb, trying not to think about what they could have been. He watches Robert throw himself into getting revenge on the Whites whilst trying to be the father that he never had for his son. He’s there to pick up the pieces when Lawrence discovers the truth and leaves Robert bleeding and bruised on the gravel at Home Farm. Liv isn’t happy at the sight of Robert asleep on the couch and she puts her plan into action. She and his mum had been pushing for months for him to move on, to forget about Robert. Alex came into his life through their intervention - _Alex_ , the good guy was kind, smart, funny and handsome, he saved people’s lives for a living. But Alex had one flaw - he wasn’t Robert. There were times that Aaron momentarily forgot about Robert when they shared a drink together in the pub, when they shared a small chaste kiss. He always thought of Alex as a rebound, it was wrong to do so, to place all those expectations onto the man - but he didn’t want to be hurt again. He didn’t think he’d survive it a second time. Robert nearly died at Christmas and Aaron still couldn’t bring himself to break it off with Alex, still in love with the spectre of his ex-husband. He chose Alex, he told himself it was for the best.  
  
But Robert began to change after that. He focused on his son, on getting his life back on track. _Seb_ is the next word that Aaron scrawls down. A few months ago, hurt would have twisted inside him at the mere mention but now it leaves a small smile hanging on the corners of his lips. He couldn’t hate Seb, he couldn’t hate a part of Robert. He remembers holding Seb in his arms for the first time a few weeks earlier, the baby suddenly becoming quiet and wriggling in his arms, a happy gurgle erupting from his mouth. It was as though Seb knew that this was the man who his father loved more than anything, the man who his father had let go of. Robert had done an amazing job with Seb, he’d stepped up to the plate and it no longer became strange to see the blonde pushing the buggy around the village, cooing gently to his son and singing terrible songs (pushing his awful music taste on the poor kid, in Aaron’s opinion).  
  
Robert loved Seb. Aaron loved Robert. Seb was a part of Robert. It was inevitable.  
  


* * *

  
_You loved me like nobody ever has before._  
  
Aaron drops the pen as he stares down at the words. He still loves Robert, he’s sick of trying to ignore it, to pretend it doesn’t exist. He’s tried to forget the older man, forget his husband, but he can’t. He can’t keep up the facade anymore. He knows that Robert still feels the same - the almost thing between them on Valentine’s Day and his words twenty minutes earlier prove that. But he knows that Robert is still punishing himself for breaking them apart, for hurting Aaron. Aaron worries his lip as he gazes over the list, over the jumble that has been his life with Robert and makes a decision. He tears the sheet away from the pad and crumples it into his hand as he stands up and leaves the garage, heading in the direction of Keeper’s Cottage.  
  
The list remains crumpled in his hand as he knocks on the door, as he feels his heart sink by the silence that greets him. He hammers on the wood one last time, desperate for Robert to hear what he has to say, know what he’s worth to Aaron. But the light remains off and the door stays closed. Aaron turns on his heel with a heavy heart, but as he’s about to walk away, Robert opens the door bathed in golden light.  
  
Aaron stalks towards him, and the list that he spent so long on is forgotten as the words flow from his lips, as everything that Robert did for him and the people he loves pours from inside him, as he lists every single reason he wrote down from the paper still clutched tightly in his fist, tears falling down his cheeks.  
  
“Please, Robert, will ya - will ya just come home with me?”  
  
Robert’s eyes slowly move to lock on Aaron’s and for a moment, Aaron can see the walls that he’s built around himself. “And let me help you this time,”  
  
Silence stretches out between the pair and Aaron grows impatient. “Well, go on then, you can talk,”  
  
“I’m actually a really good dancer,” Robert mumbles out, his voice thick and heavy. The tension immediately melts from Aaron’s shoulders, and the sob he was holding in pushes to the surface as a smile breaks over his face.  
  
“Course I’ll come home with ya,” Robert says softly, his eyes meeting Aaron’s. His lip wobbles slightly as his voice cracks “I love you so much,”  
  
Aaron lets another sob push past his lips as he moves forward, to capture Robert’s lips in a kiss. His hands catch Robert’s face, and he feels the older man’s arms envelope him, pressing their bodies together. Aaron feels all the tension melt away, everything that happened before that moment no longer matters as they embrace, as he holds onto Robert tightly, his nose buried in the familiar leather jacket.  
  
They pull away after what seems like a lifetime, all bitten back sobs and half smiles as the faint sounds of Adele filter through the open door of Keeper’s. Robert stares into Aaron’s eyes for a moment, the smile curving over his lips as he takes in the sight of the man he loves. “Can you hear that?” He says, cocking his head towards the door.  
  
“What?” Aaron asks. He can feel his brow furrow as Robert smiles, his hands on Aaron’s biceps as he guides them around, slightly swaying to the music.  
  
“It’s our song,” Robert says softly, his face bathed in the golden light.  
  
“We don’t have a song,” Aaron replies, shaking his head slightly.  
  
“Yeah, we do,” Robert insists, the smile still on his face.  
  
Aaron bites back a scoff. “Do you want to get dumped again?”  
  
“We definitely don’t have a song,” Robert says, a half laugh brushing past his lips. The laughter between them tumbles out for a moment before Robert’s hand moves to cup Aaron’s cheek. Aaron stares into the blue-green eyes of his husband, feels the warmth of Robert’s fingers against his skin. “I’ve missed you, Mr Sugden,” Robert murmurs gently, his thumb stroking Aaron’s cheek.  
  
“Mr Dingle,” Aaron deadpans back, his eyes full of fresh tears.  
  
“Yeah?” Robert challenges, his hand still against Aaron’s cheek.  
  
Aaron feels the smile blossom over his lips as he half laughs, half sobs, “Shut up,” Robert’s hand pulls him into another kiss and Aaron feels the warmth of his husband’s lips against his own. He feels whole again. Robert pulls him in tighter, holding onto him as though he’s afraid to let go and Aaron does the same - hands fisting into the back of Robert’s leather jacket as their lips pull apart and Aaron rests his head against the crook of Robert’s shoulder.  
  
“What’s that?” Robert asks after they’ve pulled apart, their hands linked together. He’s glancing at the ball of paper still clutched in Aaron’s hand.  
  
“Nothing you didn’t already know,” Aaron says with a smile as he leans into Robert and they walk down the street towards their home.  
_  
_

* * *

_i’m on my way_  
_i’m on my way  
home sweet home_

**Author's Note:**

> talk to me on tumblr - lucasdigrassis


End file.
